Late night blogging…

Okay, so it’s not terribly late. It just feels late.

I have been working on something important, but I stopped because I needed to make dinner, then eat it and do Ina things, so I will get back to it tomorrow. I guess I’ll use this opportunity to tell you about what happened before this. It’s one of the things I was going to catch you up on months ago, so here we go.

I decided to apply to grad school, I’ll talk about which program later. But I had three top choices: Gallaudet University, University of California, and University of Montana.

Why these specific places? Because all of these places are TOP in the field I want to be in.

So I wanted to go to Gallaudet but then I found out their program is NOT all online, so that nixed it out of the choices because I wasn’t uprooting Cunksi and hauling our asses all the way to DC for two years. (This was BEFORE Covid hit and ironically, it’s now online)

I picked University of California, sent my preliminary paperwork in and a admin counselor got a hold of me like ASAP, but then I found out it was WAY OUT of my price range, so that was dead in the water.

So I went with University of Denver, because it absolutely specialized in what I wanted and was all online! I applied, it’s a very prestigious school, very hard to get into and the process is serious business. I didn’t know if I’d get in, but I’d never know if I didn’t try. So I worked hard on my application, got all the things they needed, worked diligently on their intense essay questions and when it was all over I was THRILLED when I got in! It was SUCH a HUGE accomplishment! I was SO proud of myself. But what I failed to notice in my research, was it’s a private college. and it was 90K dollars. I was offered unsubsidized student loans(OUCH) and a 10k scholarship, but it was STILL not enough for me to go, not without digging myself a giant financial hole I’d honestly never recover from after graduation. So as thrilled as I was to get accepted, I had to disenroll. And that took the wind out of my sails for a good few months. I was literally heartbroken, I bawled for DAYS. I’m NOT kidding!!! And then I was a little mad. Like if you just look at me from a box check stand point, who better to have then ME? I check three of your boxes!! 1=Female 2=Native American 3= Disabled. I know that brings money in for them, but I guess the bottom line was it didn’t matter. So, there was a mourning process for a few weeks, let me tell you. I kept thinking, I have worked SO HARD my whole adult life. I went to college, I was the FIRST person in my biological family to GO To and FINISH college!! I worked hard and got excellent grades for my undergraduate as well as doing all kinds of other things simultaneously, such as being a working writer, publishing things and giving speaking presentations and workshops. Yes, not being able to go to my first choice of school smarted a little… and still a tiny part, right in the middle of my chest still hurts when I think about it.

………

I moved on, and I just let it go for awhile, but not forever. The funny thing is, as heartbroken as I was over that, it taught me SO much about myself. One thing I learned was, I think in a lot of ways I’ve been spoiled; like a little princess. Hear me out on this….. So if you know me at all, you know I go after what I want, not matter what it is, I go for it, full speed ahead. To my blessing, it was ALWAYS worked out. My hard work ethic has shown people time and again that I’m dependable and hard working and as reliable as the day is long…so to be told no (essentially I was being told no because I wasn’t getting the money from Denver, or scholarships or grants to go) made me have this, thank god, private, temper tantrum. Like, “Don’t you KNOW who I AM?!” And that is never meant in a fashion of “I’m blessing you with my presence”, but rather, if you let me in your educational system, I will work hard, I will be dedicated I will give you my BEST EVERYDAY and I will take the lessons and experiences I’ve learned from you, out into the world to make it a better place. So to lose that opportunity, whew, hurt like hell.

But I absolutely believe everything happens for a reason, so I just plugged along and did me. I knew I wasn’t going to give up. Getting this master’s in my chosen field, is my DREAM, so there’s no way I’m giving it up, unless of course I try all the things and I STILL can’t afford any of them, then I’ll give up. But right now, I am NOT going there, because that worst case scenario, is far too heartbreaking and I can’t and I won’t face it. Not. At. All.

Anyway, so that is what I’m working on, this new application to grad school at a different place. it will get me to my end point and that is the goal. A friend once told me, “Mary, get your degree now, save the world later.” So, yes, that is what I will do.

I have more I could talk about, but I’m tired; and sleeping properly is a form of self care so I need to go to bed.

It feels good to have the tappity tap of these keys under my fingers again…so good. My breath comes a bit easier, my stomach a little less knotted.

For now, thanks for reading,

hugs, love and turtles,

Mary BB

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