I have never been so tired, so exhausted so frustrated or lonely in my life. My soul literally feels empty.
Summer semester is going right now and it fucking sucks. it has been nothing but fight for access from the beginning. Here’s the truth. If someone has access to the world, they do not care if someone else does not. They don’t even think about it. The nice people will make what changes they can. The others will treat you like shit, act like you are stupid or annoying or that you are asking too much or worse, try to make you disappear.
I’m not even kidding.
I am 100% sick of everything at this point. I could literally show you and tell you about how many issues I’ve come up against in the last week.
But what’s the point anymore.
I’m completely burnt out with school I’m supposed to be doing homework, but I literally can’t bring myself to do it. I’m ready to give it all up because I’ve been having to go down this road and I’ve been having to do it all alone. People are more than happy to give me stupid inspirational, “buck up” phrases but that doesn’t do shit for my soul. That doesn’t help ease my load. That doesn’t make the things I want to participate in accessible to me.
I was re watching This Close, hoping to get myself motivated again, but season 2 ends in more of a precarious place than season 1 did; and I just sat here and cried over it.
The loneliness is me wanting to have a connection with someone who gets the Deaf struggle, someone who will see me and shut their mouth and put their damn hands up, instead of me having to work so damn hard to understand what is happening. Someone who doesn’t say, “just go on disability” Someone who does not say, “You’re taking on a big task being Deaf and getting a grad degree” or “You’re Deaf, why do you want a grad degree?”
This on top of all the ways the people in my life either underestimate me or proverbially pat me on the head with “There, there” or flat out exclude me from shit I want to do. I have a professor right now, who literally types to me like I’m intellectually challenged. UGH!!! I’m soo fucking sick of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The pure exhaustion that is my life right now, and I have 0 supports that can or will make any changes for me. Some things they obviously can’t do anything about. I’m so damn tired. I have been fighting for my own life for my whole fucking life and I’m full on over it. I had an interpreter I had hired, and they were going to move here, but now they won’t because of the stupid RVW thing. Which I guess in the long run is okay, but now I’ll have to find a new interpreter and that sucks.
Tired.
My soul is exhausted. and I’m literally ready to just hands up. I can’t even get motivated by the threat of what that would mean.
I’m that done.
Between Silence And Sound 