I’m realizing, the more I heal, the more I return to my Pollyanna state. What does that mean? It means, that one of the things I’ve always loved about myself was that even despite all the horrific things I’ve survived, I was always able to be glad about something. I was pretty picky about what I watched as a kid ( I still am). But one of the movies I LOVED was Pollyanna. (I completely identified with the orphan thing). I loved that she literally could find joy in anything, she was able to have an experience with anyone on any given day, and no matter what place they were coming from, she found something to be happy about. As a kid, that was one of the greatest pieces of advice I could have gotten, and I took it on. It’s made an incredible difference because when I took that perspective on as a young person, it grew into a habit as I got older. Then it was automatic. And when it wasn’t there during those 6 long years of my recovery…that was so hard. It made life harder, and it added to the feeling that I was in the wrong body. I think happiness, positivity, etc (as well as their opposites) comes from a cellular level, so during those horrific years, I absolutely didn’t feel like myself. I felt like I was walking around in a body that didn’t belong to me anymore, and like a lighter that kept misfiring but wouldn’t start.
Anyway, yesterday was a hard hard day at work. I had to do some mandatory reporting stuff that got me all twisted up. I was sitting at my desk crying over it, (frustrated, angry tears because the system is soooo archaic and frustrating). And my office-mates saw it. They were 100% supportive of me and my feelings and it was just really really nice to have that. Then my office-mate and I went outside to investigate what we thought was a snake skin, but was really just a strategically placed piece of garbage 🙂 But then we got locked out, so we had to walk all the way around the building, and up hills, and by the time we got back, i was feeling much much better. Physical movement moves icky things out of your body, not just trauma. So, it was all good.
I’m still madly in love with my job. I was writing about this in my journal the other day, but I want to say here too. I love my job for so many reasons. I love my company because they honestly believe in what they do, they are little areas of light that shine in all the departments. No one is all sad or negative or worn down, they are up and excited about the work and they fully believe in and have passion for what they are doing. That says a lot. because what we deal with on a daily basis, is NOT easy or in ANY way pretty. It is hard, difficult, human shit that people are going through. But then we are there, as a company, to do what we can.
The way our company is, is another thing I LOVE about it. So, a long time ago, I used to watch Private Practice. ( NO I am NOT a Grey’s fan, but 100% a PP fan) And what I LOVED about that was the way the company was a CO-OP so it was all integrated for healthcare, OBGYN, general practice, peds, mental health and alternative health. THAT is the kind of situation I wanted to be in when I became a therapist. So when I got this interview at my current place… I saw that they were like that. We are not medical at all, but we are multiple layers of support and therapy and programs. I can’t/ don’t want to put the name of my place here, so I’m going to call it AFY..for (All for you.) I love it because it feels very co-op-y to me. And the campus is soo beautiful! its in a woodsy setting and all of our office windows face out so everyone gets a great view, and let me tell you, that view has helped me re center a couple of times now after a particularly hard call or event. It just feels like the overall people who saw, designed and put together this place, really knew what they were doing. They knew what they wanted for their staff, they knew what we’d be working with, so they implemented self care opportunities, they built an environment for lots of light and space. Its just so well put together on every level. And they treat us soo well. Everyone is so respectful to everyone else. And supportive! We have a lot of meetings, but they are never feel like “Omg, another meeting”.. they are always beneficial and fun and not only do I enjoy them, but I get something out of them. I think that’s also why everyone works so well together, because we are a team. There is no sense of layers, or “Oh we’re better than you because you’re in this department,” etc. Nope, it’s everyone is in the game for the greater good of our clients, and I LOVE that. And the discussions we have in our little office hub, We have the BEST discussions!
I’m literally so freaking happy to be here, at this company, in this job that I wake up and say Wopila every day, and several times a day. I’ve finally found where I belong. I am SO excited about my future. I’m super excited about school too. I am a little nervous about how I’m going to juggle it all… that part feels scary but I’m not going to really give it to much energy. I’m Mary Fucking Black Bonnet, so I’m sure I’ll do it, but I just don’t want to be exhausted for two years straight. That’s not good for my health. I continue to feel healthier than I was for the time I was in survival mode, which is SUCH a blessing. I don’t EVER want to feel like that again. ick gross, ick, nast.
Having survived all I have one great thing that came out of it, was my incredibly self care knowledge. I am proud of myself that I automatically implement those things, without even thinking. That time was horrific, but seriously, the wisdom I gained on the other end, was sooo incredibly valuable. It lets me be a deeper, richer person and it’s going to enable me to be a really good therapist.
Okay, I’m going to end this here.
Life remains beautiful and awesome!! 🙂
Hope you’re all well.
Peace, hugs and Turtles.
MBB
Between Silence And Sound 