Hihanni Wast’e

Mango lassi. One of my favorites. It just cools me from the inside out. It’s starting to get warmer here and the temperatures are beautiful. Great weather for walking and being outside. My service dog Captain loves it.

I’m doing better with the departure of Maske. I cried A LOT yesterday. I just let it happen I didn’t stop or impede it. I knew it was better to get it out then let it stay and fester. But the sorrow that comes with this event is so great. It’s hard for me to handle because I’ve preferred to be numb and not feel sorrow or pain or loss. Any hurt from other people I’d stop. When I was having to survive life altering/threatening events this was good. But not so much when it became the norm. It cut me off from so much. It prevented my chi from being able to fully flow. And I thought I had a nice full life, but it was slightly diminished because I wasn’t fully flowing on all aspects.

In my own defense, it was an ebb and flow. I’d only stop myself from fully feeling if something huge happened. The rest of the time it was full on. Which is such an amazing feeling because it’s like electricity flowing through me. Or, I imagine what drug users feel, though without the detrimental consequences.

I don’t know what I’m doing, so in the tough moments I’m just letting it be what it will be. Yesterday after what felt like endless crying, I was alone in my place and I literally just let my pain/ sorrow and sadness out in a howl sound. I didn’t even care. Sound is helpful to move shit out of your body. It did help. I felt better and was able to move on with my day. The aboriginal women use sound when they are mourning, as evidenced in the film Rabbit Proof Fence. BTW if you haven’t seen that movie it’s a MUST. It was heart wrenching for me because I identified with it. It’s the story of four then three girls who get taken away from their families and shoved into boarding school. Well this simply won’t work for them so they walk back home. I will give it its own post because there’s a lot to unpack but you need to see it if you haven’t.

Anyway, so I’m feeling much better. I got things accomplished around my place and my dog got a shave, so he’s feeling much more sleek and cool.

On the home front I’ve still got my daughters school stuff to guide and finish and I have to go to work later.

For now, I’m taking off

Hugs, love, peace and Turtles,

MBB

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